You Never Know

More and more I identify with my mom's frustrations. Imagine, if you can, being without the use of your right leg and arm, your emotions being "flattened", your mind less able to hold onto all that it is used to thinking about. It is a depressing condition to be in. One could easily wonder what in the world is the use of going on. It is hard now to know what Mom is thinking. She speaks much less often. But her determination to improve and function as she once did such a short time ago is amazing and exemplary. I try to duplicate her therapy on the days the therapist is not here. She does all I ask her to do. She surprised us a couple of days ago with her progress. As I looked into her face, it seemed to me that her eyes were especially sparkly. Instead of asking her if she wanted to rest, I asked her if she wanted to walk. She said she did. So we set her up with her walker in the kitchen. Away she went, walking around her long island counter not just once, as usual, but three times! She wasn't finished; she then walked up her ramp into the family room. Then we went outside and she walked half way down the barn yard to inspect the newly stacked hay. But she still wasn't done. She then walked on the grass in the backyard. We were amazed at her! While in all probability she will not walk much most of the time, we simply do not know! She may yet surprise us all and achieve her dream of walking freely. I'm not going to tell her it can't be done!

Fall is coming. The colors are turning. I notice them each morning that I go walking with my Colorado friend, Elaine. Fall is a magical time here. The colors simply take you away to a better place! I hope we are here to see the peak of Colorado color. With it comes cooler weather. While our California family roasts in record heat, it is sweater weather here. In fact, there have been several days when I could not get warm. We even lit the wood stove. But fall brings ups and downs. It is warming up again.

I've been working to finish Mom's life story. There is just picture arranging to go. I created a family tree for her book. It turned out so nicely I thought I'd put a copy here.

Apple Fest is coming to Cedaredge, next weekend. It is a city celebration of the apple harvest. Audrey, Allegra, Isaiah, James and Scott are coming for it. Our neighbors, Bev and Ernie Trutner are coming also the end of this week. We have enjoyed our solitude with Mom but anticipate with excitement these upcoming visits.

Weather Aventures

I hear that there is a heat wave at home. It seems to me that our part of California is rather bland in the weather department. It is hot, it is cold. Cloudy skies stay that way for awhile and clear skies prevail. But in our part of Colorado each day is a climatic adventure. Daily skies are clear, cloudy, rainy, windy, all in a short period of time. At this changing of the seasons some days are quite warm and some are cool. Our excitement for the week was a hail storm, accompanied by lighting and thunder, and wind. Wow, what a thrill! It all came just as light was leaving the day. The hail fell on Mom's metal roof, giving us quite a symphony. We couldn't ignore such a show. The wind blew hail under the front door right on the rug within the porch. You can see the hail in the picture above of Mom's deck, if you look closely. I loved it! Today was a bit calmer with only lightening, rain and thunder. And sunshine lighting up the rain. What a weather adventure!

I'm back to art lessons and loving it. I'm drawing something new just about every day. Here is a sample of one of my pastel drawings. I have to really watch myself because I can become quite lost in a drawing. It is dangerous!

Mom is getting physically stronger. She's walking more and more each day. But I worry about her spirit; she is struggling to find her path now that her old life has been taken from her. I can't quite wrap myself around how difficult it must be to have my body suddenly compromised and unable to perform. The sudden challenge of it has left her in a quandary. She is strong and resilient so I'm hoping that she will find a new purpose. We're working on that.

We've been in Colorado just over a week and the time, as always, rushes by. That seems to be the case no matter where we are or what we are doing.

Two Homes

Our month at home swept past and our time to return to Colorado has come. Layne and I flew to Colorado on Friday via a long wait in the Denver Airport. But happily I had plenty to do so I didn't mind much. Layne loves to sit and watch the people go by. I prefer having a project of some sort. Such could be found on my laptop so I spent lots of time there. What a blessing it is to bring so much information along so easily. The Airport provided the internet connection so the world was open to me from my seat in the waiting area. In spite of the wait, we made it to Colorado before dark. My sister Maryanne has been with Mother for the past month. She is a beat little chicken so it is a good thing that we are here to replace her. She wants me to mention that one reason why she is so tired is because she has been here with Mom alone; no hub to help. I'm mentioning that for her sake.

Mom looks good but I fear that she is losing some of her motivation to improve her situation. I think she may be beginning to settle for what she has got. Not that she is happy about it. She struggles to find meaning in her much more confined life. I feel moved to help her with that. I think one of her purposes could be family history. I'm excited to say that her life story is just about complete and ready to be uploaded and printed into book form. I have what I like to call the "DiVinci" condition. As you may know he had trouble finishing some of his work, most notably the Mona Lisa. He worked on it for seven years and never allowed himself to call it done. He died and then it was "done!" I seem to have the same trouble. As I near completion of various projects I almost always figure out a better way to do them and then I have trouble finishing them the way I started them. Do you follow me here? I'm having that trouble calling Mom's book finished. But I will push myself and do it.....soon.

It is lovely here, as usual. It is a strange thing to say, perhaps, but I enjoy being here almost as much as I enjoy being home. With spending so much time here, this place is beginning to feel like my own place, somewhat. I've organized things here to some extent. So much have I made myself at home that I get confused when I'm in my own home as to where things are! Maryanne has the same problem. Is it a senior thing? Or have we just spent way too much time here!

My Kinda Fun

We live on a gravel pit. There are rocks of all shapes and sizes everywhere! There are the no-good, crumbly kind but the ones that call to me are the firm, polished ones of various colors that lie hidden all over the property. They lie in every direction, hidden like Easter eggs, waiting for me to find them. I can't resist looking for them each time I'm outside. In spite of finding bucket after bucket, each time I look it is as if I had collected none; they are still everywhere. I have a purpose in collecting them. We have an extended dry creek bed that winds from the front of the house, along the south side and into the back yard. Lots of rocks are required. So each weekday morning, before the heat of the day arrives, I go hunting. It is addictive. My goal is to fill a bucket each day. But after one bucket I am usually seduced into filling another. I am the only one in the family who seems to enjoy this. It is so much fun!

I've been slow to get an exercise program going here. It is a sad commentary on my character to admit that, without a motivated companion, I cannot seem to make myself do any kind of physical exercise consistently. I dabble but don't settle. But, when I do exercise, I often just dance. I filled a CD with dance music which offers me a steady stream of rhythmical opportunities. I put on my dancing shoes, turn up the music and dance my way through the morning, often dusting or cleaning the kitchen as I go. A little multi-tasking makes the most of my high-energy moments. I can't seem to convince anyone else in our household that dancing is so much fun!

I did manage to get Layne to watch part of the movie, Emma, with me last night. It has a very romantic ending, which Layne shared with me. He is quite a romantic, you know. He was softened by the sweetness of the moment and it blessed us the rest of our evening together.
The peace of this place offers so many blessings!

Home Ground

I've been working on Mom's life story, with her. It strikes me, as I read her story and look at pictures from her childhood, how brief our stay on earth is. I look at my mom, now unable to be physically active, and see such a beautiful woman. She will soon be 92. Yet, such a short time ago, she was a girl, running through the desert land that was her home. I see my life that way too. We girls are all girls inside; that doesn't seem to change. It is the eternal part of us. I enjoy my time with Mom. Being with her and Layne in Colorado is a disruption of our regular life, but it is nurturing, in its way. Our month there passed quickly. Mom is gaining strength but I believe it is now clear to all of us that she will not be independent again. She hasn't acknowledged that, but I believe she feels it. If only she could feel comfortable with it and redirect her thoughts. She may be starting to.

Above is a picture of Mom in 1943 and again with me and my sister, Maryanne, in 2001.

We came home last Monday. I love my home. It embraced us as we entered Monday evening. Our trip home was, again, via Phoenix. It was the only way to get to San Francisco from Denver, believe it or not, because there are seats in and out of Phoenix. We happened to meet an artist from Montrose, CO, who had our exact travel schedule: Grand Junction to Denver to Phoenix to San Francisco. And she was a paying passenger! The fun thing was that she knew all about using pastels and gave me oodles of ideas.

So, I am passionate about using pastels now. Every day, so far, I have found an hour or so to work on them in my little art studio. I bought a nice set of pastels and am hard at work trying to figure out how to make beautiful pictures. The trouble with passions is that they can eat up your life. I could easily spend all day making pictures and forget all about food and sleep and....all else! I must control myself. There are, of course, many other things to do and most of them are more important than art.

Ah! It is great to be home.

On the Town

Cedaredge is a small country town. So there isn't much shopping to be had here. Our outings have mostly been to the local grocery store and Walmart. Most of my days here I just stay home. There is lots to do at Mom's place and there seems to be no need for more. This past week I did take the time to run a couple of errands. Among them was a trip to the Apple Shed, a collection of shops under one roof (an old apple shed, hence the name). It is an artsy place filled with all sorts of art done by local artists, of which there are many, and also furniture. It is owned by a lovely lady named Connie Williams, a great artist herself. Connie and her husband have an orchard in addition to the Apple Shed and sell their fruit there. I checked on their peaches and wound up buying two big boxes of them! Peaches are our favorite fruit, fresh or bottled. Layne promised to help me bottle them, using canning bottles from Mom's barn. We bottled 12 quarts so far. We'll take them home when we bring Mom home with us in the fall.

On the way home from this outing I drove by an art gallery run by Barbara Torke, one of my favorite local artists. I've passed her place before but this time I felt a strong urge to stop. So I did. In Cedaredge a shop can be anywhere. There is no zoning. So the house down the street can sell anything from donuts to tires. Hence quite a number of homes double as some kind of shop. Most common are antique and art shops. Barbara's place is just a little house turned into a gallery and art shop. I went inside. She was alone so we had a chance to talk. She told me that she teaches art every Thursday and Friday for $15 a lesson. I decided to attend! I've gone to two classes so far, trying to learn how to use pastels. I feel so awkward at it but relish the chance to learn more about it. I love doing it even if I don't like the outcome, which I usually don't. But I lose all track of time when I draw; it absolutely absorbs me. I think that is a good thing, if kept in balance with the rest of my life. I'm so excited! When I am here, from now on, I'm going to take lessons. Who knows where it will take me!

The photos here are samples of my efforts. They need lots of work. But perhaps I'll improve with practice. One more week here and we head for home. It has passed quickly.

The Pleasure of Words

I think just about every situation presents possibilities and opportunities. Mom's lifestyle has been cut off; she now must concentrate on making her body do the simple things she took for granted all of her life. "Not fair", it is easy to think. While it is hard to see her struggle, I have a feeling that she is simply being redirected for a time. I have been pondering what that redirection might be. After all, she is still blessed with a perfectly good mind and the ability to express herself. I am beginning to feel that this time is an opportunity to get her thoughts recorded. The more I think about it, the stronger I feel. So we are working every day on finishing her life story. Then I want her to help write Daddy's story. There is a posterity to bless. I would hate to lose her without something written of her for future generations. She is a noble soul who has lived benevolently. Her experiences should be shared. I'm finding great joy in recording her story.

I have been worrying that Mom is beginning to give up trying to get stronger. But yesterday she walked twice as far as before! She seemed so spirited! She did everything much better than usual. We have been working hard on her biography; perhaps that fills her with more enthusiasm and motivation for the physical effort now required of her. Maybe she needs a stronger sense of purpose behind her efforts.

This place immerses me in it. I don't often think beyond here. I miss home but not as much as I thought I would. We have two more weeks with Mom and I find that I'm looking forward to it. There is time everyday to relax and do something or nothing. Layne works on the computer every day, organizing his missionary work at home. He also does endless crossword puzzles. I've read more than I ever do at home, in addition to getting more rest. Mom needs lots of rest so it supplies us with this gift of time. I'm grateful for the blessings this place and time with Mom are giving to me.

Pictures: Mom in High School, Mom is a special hairdo done by bather Donna, Layne doing another crossword puzzle.