Our Taiwan Family

There is not control over time. It passes so swiftly in spite of my efforts to hold it down. Our son Gerald and family have been here since Tuesday. They have been in the States for a month already. Not with us most of that time. But we have loved their company for these few days. I'm happy to say that we haven't done much except visit. Gerald is big into patriotism and reads daily from books that promote Constitutional ideals. He talked to me at length about it. I love his interest in that subject as I agree with his ideals and his sense of the importance of trying to keep our freedoms in place. His wife Frances is a great girl, who fed us on her delicious homemade Chinese food. Their two children are beautiful and bright. Gerald spends a great deal of time educating them and loves doing so. Included here is a picture of their daughter, Angelica, who is loving her new pajamas, just bought by her mom. Frances loves shopping and spends lots of time in America doing just that. Also pictured is Gerald with his two children, Angelica and Seth, in Utah (where it is still snowing!) It is a joy to have our family around us.

Mom's formal physical therapy is over. She has gone through visiting therapists and outpatient therapy. Now the rest is up to us. I have lots of ideas for exercising her and hope to fill in so that she continues to make progress. It looks like we will take her home in May instead of April, as Maryanne's turn in Colorado will be delayed while she recovers from knee surgery. Pictured here is mom on our front porch. It is getting to be warm enough to be outside and comfortable. She was watching us work in the yard. I think she looks adorable.

Our Relief Society ladies donated money for me to buy a tree in Carmen's memory for our yard! I feel so blessed to have such sweet attention. On Monday I was able to get THREE trees with the money they donated. I am so excited! I would like to plant a small grove of three in honor of our Carmen and am thinking that it would be such fun to have a tree for each grandchild. Imagine a grove of grandchildren trees! Yep, I can see it in my mind.

Back to "Normal"

Now that Carmen is put to rest, regular life takes over. It seems so normal by comparison. I haven't written much as a result. My time is taken up mostly with Mother. She is a great person to have in my life even if helping her takes up most of my waking hours. There is so much that can be done with her to get her body moving better. But I must admit that my mind has been other places most of the time. I still think of Carmen. What should we do now? How should we continue to celebrate her short time with us? How shall we remember her best? How can we keep her memory alive with our growing family? What can I now do for Reed and Dorothy? How can I comfort and love Carmen's brothers? I have come up with a few ideas. I will supplement the picture book of Carmen that I've already made. I've drawn three portraits of Carmen for Reed and Dorothy, including one of her grown up. Of course I had to imagine it. I find concentrating on her face and the reproduction of it very therapeutic. Friends continue to surround us with loving support and suggestions. Reid and Joan Brown took us to dinner last night and filled us with ideas for keeping up Carmen's memory. I felt quite inspired. Above are my portraits of Carmen, as a toddler, just before her illness and as she might have looked as a young woman.

In the meantime, life goes on. Our hillside is filled with wildflowers. The small fruit trees are all a-blossom. The deer are back, checking out the local growing things. Even the wild turkeys give us a show. Our living room window offers us a cast of dozens that perform before our eyes with beauty and humor that rivals anything on the tube.

Our local family gathered this past week to celebrate St. Pat's day with the traditional corn beef and cabbage. Jessica prepared it all and brought it to our house. It was delicious! We gathered around the table for a wonderful feast amidst as much green as I could create. The kids, of course, ran in and out and noisily played together. When we are all together it is a wonderful feeling even amidst the chaos. I will admit that I sometimes long for a bit more one-on-one bonding. I suppose we must visit family by family for more of that. I think often of how to get closer to the heart of our family. There are so many of us now. I wish I were better at communication; there are so many things in my heart that I don't know how to get out.

Left picture is a view from our bedroom window. Right is Abigail Carmen offering her early smiles to Audrey.

And so life goes on, with my personal space filled to the brim with people that love and nurture me. I'm grateful for that most of all.

Fabulous Family

I never imagined when I was young that there would be so many people in my family. Our children have made so many children that we abound in life forms. They have all been here this past week. Even Gerald and Frances are here. It is fun to see them all together, filling our time and messing up our stuff. By tomorrow it will be down to Layne, mom and me again. Perhaps then I can begin to think through my feelings about losing Carmen. There has been so much activity that I honestly think I do not know my own mind.

The rain that has come for days and days is gone and the sun is shining upon the velvety hills that surround our home. It is an inspiration to look out upon them. Blessings abound.

Top picture is of Seth, then Miles shooting on the property with Layne and Gerald. They loved it.

Bottom picture shows some of the grandchildren visiting the jelly belly factory. Left to right: Peyton, Miles, Gemma (Jessica and Chris' children), Allegra, Isaiah (Audrey and Cliff's kids), Angelica and Seth (Gerald and Frances' kids).

Goodbye and Hello

Our whole family met for dinner on Saturday night at Reed and Dorothy's chapel. Their ward provided the food. We took bets on the menu for it seems that ham and "funeral potatoes" are the usual fare on such occasions. Sure enough, that is what we had! Plus other good things. It was predictable but also very good. Our family has been so taken care of through all of this.

Saturday night was the memorial for Carmen. A crowd was anticipated since so many in the Brentwood community took an interest in Carmen. Sure enough, people filled the chapel and cultural hall. The program was an interesting one since Reed and Dorothy themselves were the keynote speakers. They and their boys provided the whole of it. The older boys made brief comments, Timmy gave an Article of Faith and Vincent sang the first verse of "Families Can Be Together Forever" with the rest of the cousins singing the rest together. Dorothy's talk was inspirational and beautifully done, with emotions contolled but present. Reed gave a sermon like I've not heard before, put together like a clear-cut puzzle. A young man sang a song for Carmen written by Reed. It was all quite well-done and unlike any memorial I've ever attended. It was great, but of course I am a bit biased.

After the program we were greeted by so many friends! Many had come from distances to be there. It was wonderful to feel so embraced! I feel grateful for the love of friends. And so the patterns of farewell are over for our little girl. Now it is up to us to adjust to her absence.

On Sunday our newest little granddaughter, child of Ben and Jessica, was blessed in Palo Alto. She was given the name of Abigail CARMEN. I cannot say how tender I feel about her name. It is a little piece of Carmen that will renew itself every time we say her name. Abigail is a peaceful little child, willing to put up with attention from the smallest to the biggest of us. We celebrated her life at Ben and Jessica's with dinner, photos, games and chatter. Life comes and goes, even in our small world. I'm grateful for the goodness that fills our lives in spite of all the sorrows.

Above is Reed and Dorothy's favorite picture of Carmen and a picture of Abigail in her blessing dress.

Our Final Goodbye

Reed and Dorothy are standing in the background as their four boys, James, Vincent, Timothy and Scott, each release a dove.

Families gather for weddings and funerals. Ours has gathered now. My sister Maryanne and her husband Bob, came for several days this week. Having them here was a wonderful gift. They lifted our burdens with their help and encouragement. Our son Gerald and his family arrived on Wednesday and our daughter Jessica and her family came on Friday. There is such an embrace of comfort in family. I feel surrounded by their strength and love.

Thursday night was a community viewing for Carmen. We didn't go. Friday was our family day. We gathered in a room in the Higgins mortuary in Antioch for our final view of Carmen. The room where she lay was filled with the warmth of family. Chairs were arranged with a view of her and a short slide show of her life. Soft Primary songs played in the background. As family members arrived, there was a soft buzz of conversation and embraces. We were surprised and delighted when Layne's twin brother, Lynn, arrived with his wife Camille and daughter Kristin. Together we all visited and took in our last sight of our little Carmen. She looked almost as lovely as she did in life. Her thick eyelashes lay softly on her cheek. Her cheeks took on a soft blush and her lips were rosy, thanks to the work of the mortuary men and women. She lay in a soft pink coffin, in her lovely white dress, with her blanket and her pink rose. The mortuary men added a soft teddy bear. It had the effect of innocent loveliness, a nice expression of Carmen's nature.

The family's children soon tired of sitting and were released to the front of the mortuary, where they played in the grass for some time. I took comfort in watching them. Their activities renewed my focus on life. Our Camen has gone, but life goes on growing and becoming. It is good to see it, alive, before my eyes at this special time.

We joined the funeral procession to the local grave yard, where a place had been prepared for Carmen. We gathered for the dedication of the grave, offered by Layne. Linda and I offered the opening and closing prayers. Carmen's brothers each released a dove. They were accompanied by a collection of other doves. We watched them lift into heaven, of course offering us an illustration of our own dear girl, lifting up to the heavens. It was lovely symbolism. Carmen's body was lowered into the ground then. And it was done. All remnants of her person are now gone from this life. But her presence will be felt from time to time, I know. For she lives on.

Dressing Carmen

Audrey, Emily (Dorothy's sister), me, Linda (Dorothy's mom) and Heidi, an amazing friend, gather around Carmen's coffin.

This past week was for Carmen. Dorothy asked me if I would join her mom, Linda, in dressing Carmen's body for burial. I've never done that before. I've never even touched a dead body. I worried that it would be emotional and difficult. But Dorothy pressed, so I agreed. On Monday of this past week Audrey (who came for emotional support) and I headed to the mortuary in Antioch to do the deed. We were the first there and entered the dressing room where we were alone with Carmen's body. As I looked at it a wave of sorrow filled my heart. We came closer and, as I looked, I could feel the emptiness of her body; she was assuredly gone! A peace came to me then, and a feeling that I could do what was required. The others arrived and together we tenderly dressed her in her baptismal dress and, with the help of the mortuary men, moved her gently into her coffin. We placed her favorite blanket in her hands. Touching her body was much easier than I imagined it would be. The body felt cold and soft. We moved it with ease. One of the mortuary men promised to place a single pink rose in her hand, as requested by my mom. He kept his promise! Her body held her beauty in sweet compose as we left her there. I will not be afraid to do this again.