Summer Begins

We live in two worlds now. After two weeks in Colorado, we are home again. Our Colorado time was comfortable and embracing. We celebrated Memorial Day by visiting the Cedaredge cemetery, where more of my dead relatives are gathered than any other single place. Mom, Layne, Allegra and I gathered at Daddy's grave. The Cemetery was filled with big flags, all waving in the breeze. It always inspires me to see our flag waving. Small ones decorated all the veteran's graves. I can gratefully say that Daddy was among them. I wonder why just about every generation has to fight. It is such an ugly side to our nature that we cannot seem to co-exist in peace for long. Sometimes it seems that our history could be written strictly in terms of wars. Yet I prefer to write of the simple causes of peace and happiness. Call me a Pollyanna if you wish. I've been called that before.

In the picture, Mom sits in front of Daddy's grave.

I lost myself for a time in Colorado sorting through Mom's old photographs. I found some that I haven't seen before. I am filled with a desire to organize and record our family's history. I can see that if it is not done, it will be forgotten. My children know so little of life before them. I feel I must give them a record. So I busily took photos of the pictures that I found. I have a passion to organize all family stuff. Memories should not be forgotten.

Here are two old photos. The first is of Maryanne and me in a pose for our Dad on Father's Day many years ago. The second picture is of Mother shortly after her marriage.

It is good to be home again. Summer seems to be here. The hills are mostly brown. The yard is moving into a dormant stage, where things die back. The poppies have done that. There are few blooms left. But beneath the dying bushes small, green sprouts are emerging. With a little summer water they may bloom again. I walk through our house and it feels a little empty. Mom is not here. I keep running into my routine with her and feel strangely at a loss. But I have my list of June things to do now, so the hole will soon be filled. But I miss her.

A Colorado Sabbath

It is a beautiful spring afternoon in Cedaredge, Colorado. I am sitting on the deck that our family men built for my mom at a family reunion. It overlooks her pasture, which, at this moment, is filled with green grasses and cattle. Birds skirt about, talking to and chasing each other. A soft breeze blows throughthe trees and a blue sky encircles it all. Layne and granddaughter Allegra are resting inside. In the top picture is my view of mom's pasture from the deck. You can see the tips of my toes on the bottom left of the picture.

Mother lies in her chair, sleeping. She seems happy to be home, surrounded by familiar places and people. Being here seems to bring out her memories. She thinks about her past more and more. Since there is little to do in her present, I can understand her going there. In fact, it serves me well. I am trying to get her memories written down. She has been telling me many of them over the past few days. I am hearing things I haven't heard before. I find it rewarding and somehow joy-promoting to hear what she has to say. Her memory seems to be opening up. I'm glad for it.

Mother went to the eye doctor this past week. It appears that she has mild cases of glaucoma and macular degeneration. I was shocked to see how her vision has deteriorated. We are trying glaucoma drops for a month to make sure it is the right thing to do for her. then she will get glasses again. I left the doctors feeling that she is beginning to experience a general physical decline. I know-----she is almost 93! But she has been so vibrant and strong. I was so hoping that she would leave this world on a sprint. But that is not to be.

We have spent so much time in Colorado the last couple of years that it is feeling like a second home. I don't mind my time here; in fact, I enjoy it. I can feel my thoughts here better than home somehow. Less is needed from me here. Caring for Mom is my only mandatory task. The rest of my time can be spent in pursuits of my own making. In the picture below you can see the barnyard behind Mom's home.

There is a place called the Apple Shed here that houses lots of works of art by various local artists. I visited there yesterday and wandered throughout, feeling quite inspired by all the different types of art on display. It was pure pleasure to run into my Colorado art teacher, Barbara Torke. We had a lovely bond. Later in the summer I plan to take some more pastel lessons from her.

In spite of the efforts involved in caring for Mom, I'm grateful for this time. I love being here and being able to give Mom something. I hope she can live gently and peacefully during this time.

For awhile now we have been anticipating our trip to Colorado, to bring Mom home for the summer. We left for the journey in Mom's car on Thursday and arrived here Friday. Allegra (Audrey's daughter) came with us. She is easy to have around and one of my favorite people. Our drive was pleasant and comfortable. Isn't is wonderful to have a way to travel that moves through space at a pace of our choosing and even offers food and other distractions along the way. All along our trail to Colorado there were gas stations, restaurants and sleeping facilities. No searching was required. I mention this obvious state of things because I found myself comparing our oh so comfortable lives with those of our pioneer forefathers. I never want to take our benefits for granted!

Here you see Mom with a cute smile; anticipating going home perhaps?

Mom did well with the travel. I believe she is excited to be home. As excited as she gets these days. She, as always, is pleasant about everything. Her little house embraced us as we walked in. It was clean and comfortable; like we have been only gone for days instead of months. Our Colorado friends the Palmers have looked out for Mom's place and have done a great job. It is beautiful here, as always. I find Colorado an embracing place.

But for some reason I am once again experiencing my "stress rash". It appears all over my body as I scratch the itch that calls to me, everywhere on me! I have not slept since coming either. This is very unusual for me, usually a master at sleeping under just about any circumstance. Could I be stressed about something? I don't consciously feel worried but I must be. Why must I be such a mystery to myself? What is going on inside of me, really?

Here is Allegra's smile in Mom's dining room. Layne is fresh here from a Sabbath nap. Mom's pasture is in the background.

Moms and Such

Mom laughed with me yesterday morning. I was covering her with a blanket, misjudged a bit, and covered her face. She got such a funny expression on her face as I pulled the blanket down. I got the giggles. As I laughed, so did she! You may be thinking that this is no big deal. But ever since her stroke Mom has not smiled or laughed very much. Her emotions are somewhat flat. But lately she has smiled more often and even laughed on occasion. It presents such a joyful feeling in my heart to see it that I sometimes go out of my way to bring it about.

Our Mother's Day celebration was very nice. All the locals were here and the men did all the work. Their dinner was a combination of all of our womanly requests (there were 6 mothers to deal with) plus Isaiah, whose 12th birthday celebration was also included. Our gatherings usually involve several celebrations as we put a month's worth together into one event. It was much fun and also involved a group Family Home Evening. It was centered around light as Audrey and I decided to provide a family activity that involved making emergency light kits. So Reed gave a lesson on light.

Then I provided an idea that has been on my mind for some time. I have wanted to present our family with a lighthouse picture that could be a symbol of our family. It should contain a lighted house and lighthouse on a hill in stormy seas. I could never find the perfect picture, so decided to take elements from several pictures and make one myself. It is not completely to my liking, but has all the needed elements. So I presented it to the family last Sunday. I told them that we should be like the lighthouse, filled with light and love, and built on the gospel hill for safety from the dangers of the world. We should let our family light shine out to the world, guiding them to safety. I used the parable of building a house on a hill and letting our light shine. Well, it seemed to work OK. I gave each child a picture of the lighthouse and the accompanying scriptures. They seemed to like it and get my idea. I wish I could find a way to better express the vision that I have. I find the idea of the light house so exciting; I think it is the perfect metaphor for a family.

Continued on Sunday May 16, 2010:
I have some great family news: Isaiah is now a priesthood holder! So he and James can now pass the sacrament and function in the priesthood. AND Chase received his mission call Thursday. We all gathered together for the envelope opening, with cameras in hand. The magical moment came as he read the letter from the First Presidency, calling him to serve in the Massachusetts Boston mission! We were all a-chatter then, discussing all the advantages of being in Boston. Chase was hoping not to learn a foreign language, so this suits him. And it will be filled with exposure to various historical monuments of our fight for freedom. It will doubtless be a difficult mission as far as sharing the gospel is concerned. But the challenge will be good for Chase. So, all in all, I believe we are collectively happy about this call!

Layne has been busy making various "fencing in" items for our vegetable garden. We need to protect it from gophers and squirrels underground, raccoons and deer on top of the ground and birds in the air. It would seem that any garden here would need to be enclosed all the way around to survive. Imagine what a challenge this is! But Layne, as always, has a plan. He is enclosing each plant with wire. What a project. We'll see if our tomatoes, squash, peppers and such will actually make it to our table as the summer unfolds.

Today is our last Sunday before taking Mom home to Colorado. She is excited, I think. I'm looking forward to the peace and open days of her home in Cedaredge.

Pictures: Top is our Mother's Day Feast, prepared by the guys. Girls are served first! Next is the lighthouse picture I made for a family metaphor, then comes Chase opening his all important letter from the First Presidency and last, below, is a short movie of Isaiah and the moving ferris wheel he made out of his birthday gift from Ben and Jessica.

Poppy Hill

Our poppies still fill the yard with their happy blooms. It makes the muddy back yard less tiresome. It is raining today, so the poppies are refreshed for another period of time. So successfully have they grown that I think I'll spread them around in other parts of the yard. After killing off so many other kinds of plants it is good to know that some like it here. Mom was returned home from a luncheon this week by a friend who called our place "Poppy Hill". I kind of like that.

Today is Mother's Day. I awoke feeling such gratitude for my own good mother, and for the joy of having my own children. I can see that relationships are the joy or sorrow that make the biggest difference in the quality of life. Nothing is harder than making space for another person in my life. They require a great deal from me if they are to endure. But I see now that sacrifices made for the people in my life are worth making. As time goes by I feel less and less attached to objects and ways of doing. I am more and more willing to give them away for some good purpose that benefits someone I love. But I also feel oddly content to spend long periods of time completely alone. Growing older certainly has modified my mind-set.

Today, after several weeks of quiet, the local family will be here. We will have 25 for dinner. Fortunately, I'm not in charge of the food. The men will do it all. I'm looking forward to it.

Quieter Times

Now that visiting family has gone, relative quiet reigns. It is interesting to me that I have adjusted to quiet as much as I was adjusted to noise in my earlier years. We are adaptable beings, after all. In my youth I seemed very dependent upon interaction with as many people as possible. Now I enjoy my quieter days. To have a day totally open to my own pleasures and pursuits is still rare, but wonderful when it happens.

Not that it has happened lately. When the people depart the assignments fill in. We have lots of those lately. Layne and I are in charge of writing and organizing historical vignettes for our upcoming youth pioneer trek in June. It is quite an undertaking. I sheepishly admit that Layne has done the lion's share of the work. I also guiltily admit that I haven't insisted that it be otherwise. He is so organized in his thinking that, when he gets on an organizational roll, I had best move out of the way. So, mostly, I have.

During Ben and Jessica's stay with us a few weeks ago (for the de-molding of their home), we hit upon the idea that a wall bed in our study would be much more comfortable for guests than the futon bed we had there. We found the perfect one and ordered it, hoping that it would arrive in time for an anticipated visit from Ger and Fran. The bed had to be made from scratch so the wait would be weeks. Hopefully we looked forward to its arrival in time for Ger and Fran. Of course it didn't come. Guess when it did? Right after they left, of course. It is installed in our study. I love it! Included here is a picture of it closed and open. Now I can't wait for someone to come and use it!

For me, this period of time is filled with a cycle of woman sickness. Not mine personally, but that of several woman friends. Friend Deb Anderson is struggling with a complicated disease; Josephine Jose, in my age bracket somewhere, is recovering from a stroke. Bud Pat Green is recovering from major surgery. Sister Maryanne is recovering from another knee surgery. Colorado friend Elaine Conlan is fighting pain of an unknown cause. Of course there is also Mom. She needs lots of help and is settling into the notion that she will for the reminder of her days. All of us are close to the same age (except for Mom). It is interesting to me that so many friends at once are having difficulties. And all are women! I thought we were the tough ones! I have high hopes for all of these women but can't help finding it interesting that this cycle of trouble is so full of female victims. At least, for now, I am not among them.

Layne and I heard a talk last night from a man named Tom Hansen, who worked with President Hinckley for a time. He quoted President H as saying that "old age is painful." I suppose all of us that are becoming old must face that state of things. It seems to be the price we must pay to get out of here. And I'm perfectly willing to do that, when the time comes.

This is a rather somber thought to depart on, so I've included yet another picture of our poppies and lavender. It is too amazing for words to look out our window upon the happy sight of poppies moving in the frequent breezes, and lavender filled with buzzing honeybees, with the flag blowing happily in the background. It brings joyful thoughts and hopes to mind.

Our Taiwanese Family

It seems to me that life brings a series of extremes with little time for what could be called "balance". I find that I'm a person that usually longs for a balanced life. By that I mean a perfect combination of time to pursue my own interests and those of others. But life usually brings just the opposite; lots of time for personal stuff or lots of time filled with the needs of others. I suppose the balance comes at the end of a life, looking back at the final combination of things. I find that most of my time is taken up with others. Of the two choices, I prefer the people. We've had lots of that lately.

(Bottom picture shows Ben's son William's family birthday celebration. The kids always take quite an interest in presents, no matter whose they are. In the top picture you see the kids on a museum outing. Can you tell which are my Chinese babes?)

Son Gerald and his wife Frances live in Taiwan, where they own two English schools. They love their work. Their two children, Seth and Angelica, are very busy attending school. Things in Taiwan, according to Gerald, are very busy for just about everyone. There is little time for family or fun, he says. So when they stayed with us this past week the kids really got into "fun." Sons Reed and Ben and families spent time with us during their visit, so there was lots of action around here. That is my excuse for not writing sooner.








(Here you see the grandbabes playing Family Home Evening games and playing in the back yard mud.)

When I was younger, I loved talking to people and getting an understanding of what they were about. I find that I do very little of that now. But when Gerald visits, intimate discussions seem to emerge. It is fun to delve into one another's thoughts. There seems to be few opportunities to do that these days. Gerald is my bonding son. He always has things that need saying. I enjoy that. I love his Frances too. She is a bright, good woman. Our visit with them was quite enjoyable.

Mom had an "event" a week or so ago. She didn't feel well. She was sitting in her wheel chair when she turned pale, broke out in a cold sweat, lifted up her head, rolled her eyes back, open her mouth and babbled incoherently. It only lasted a few seconds and she was back to normal. It frightened me. I put her to bed and checked her for signs of a stroke. None appeared. I was alone with her at the time but when Cliff and Layne returned home I had Cliff check her out. She appeared to be fine. I've no idea why she should have experienced such a thing and it put me in mind that she may be getting ready to leave us. I wonder if I am being prepared for that. I will find it hard when that time comes. I feel my mother in my bones.

Gerald and family left on Friday morning. Our house is quiet once again. I have spent much of the time cleaning things up. I find that task helps me to miss them less. Busy-ness seems to be a cure for loneliness. Soon things begin to feel normal again. The house feels peaceful rather than empty.





(In these photos you see Dorothy and foster baby (Reed and Dorothy are providing foster care for babies now), Frances and Gerald, and Gerald telling Mom goodbye.)