Mental Meanderings

There are times when activities and demands take up all of my mental space.  I've become used to stuffing brief moments with as much creative thinking as I can muster.  This past week, however, has offered more open time than usual.  So I've been thinking more than usual.  With that comes a reminding that conversation often opens up more thoughts and feelings than I realized I had.  There has been time for such things this week.

Early in the week I went to lunch with 5 ladies from my past.  They are all older than I am, which is unusual these days.  We spoke of many things and with each conversation, threads of thought emerged that I didn't fully realize were inside of me.  I wonder how much of us is deeply enough embedded within as to be hidden, even from ourselves.  There was time for deep conversation during my temple shift as well.  And later with a far-away friend, Nora Jacobson, and my own daughter, Audrey.  It felt good to have so many conversations this week.  There is a certain joy in getting things inside of me, out.  It clarifies and even excites.

Granddaughter Allegra walked with me along this trail
in Sunol Park, near our home.  Here's another place for
thinking and good conversation. 

I've tried having these kinds of deep conversations with Layne.  He is very sweet about listening to me carry on.  "Um-hum," he says repeatedly as I ramble.  But he has little to actually say in response.  I have a man who loves the doing but not necessarily the talking.  I love deep, exploring kinds of conversation.  For me, it is the women in my life that enables this kind of communication.  Layne prefers more private thought, or working in the yard. Or eating together.  Or watching TV together.  Or simply taking a nap.  I've no doubt that he has a very active mental life but I must ask the right questions to get it out.  I'm not very good at that.  For now, I need the girls in my life.

Shooting and Seattle

"The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed," promises our US  Constitution.  I absolutely believe that this amendment should not be compromised.  Well, it already has.  But what remains of our right to bear arms should be carefully protected.  Of course bearing arms becomes meaningless if we don't know how to use those arms.  For quite awhile Layne has been promising to teach me how to shoot.  Tuesday was our day.  Our neighbors, the Bondersons, have a shooting range, which they invited us to use.  Layne carefully showed me how to load, hold and fire a pistol.   We fired at a paper target, then a soda pop can.   It was a little scary at first to hold and fire a gun.  But with each pull of the trigger it got easier.  Then it got fun.  I'm thinking, with some regular practice, I could really get into this.

I have not returned to my unfinished project of last week.  I'm still not ready to readdress that.  Instead we have filled the week with other, more interesting things.  After a fun experience shooting guns, we packed up and caught a flight to Seattle on Wednesday, after our temple shift.  Daughter Jessica lives there with her family.  As I've explained before, we fly stand-by.  Ordinarily that is a stressful adventure because there is no guarantee that the adventure is actually going to take place.  But when Layne is with me I let go of the stress of it.  Somehow Layne's presence is settling.  We missed our first flight into Seattle.  My stomach was calm.  No problem.  We ate dinner at the airport and tried again.  This time we made the flight and arrived late Wednesday night with no problems except a major loss of sleep, since we arose at 4:30 Wednesday morning.

Layne spent most of the time working on the books for Jessica's bookstore.  Her charming used bookstore is a fun place to hang out, which I did most of the first day.  There was also time to play with the kids.  I like bling.  I'm telling you that because I get way too excited about things that sparkle and glow.  I bought glow bracelets at the dollar store near Jessica's store and decorated the kids' bedrooms with them each night when they went to bed.  Did they get a kick out of it?  Hum.  Not sure.  But I did.  Bling.  That's one of the things I love.  Playing with the kids is another thing.

We got a great visit in with Jessica and a pretty good one with her husband Chris.  One thing about our family that I regret is that we are so emotionally controlled.  Layne and I are both like that so it is the pattern we gave our children.  No alternatives were offered because we didn't know how.  So our children tend to keep strong emotions well in hand.  That's good and bad.  There is little in the way of unpleasantness or emotional explosions in our family, but there is also little sharing of emotions.  I wish that were different.  I think we could be better support for each other if we could share more of our emotional lives with each other.  But I don't know how to do that.  I never shed a tear in public and rarely do in private.  I think that is more of a handicap than an asset but feel powerless to change it.

Daughter Jessica's children below:

 Peyton (soon to be 8)  having fun in dress-ups

Young reader Gemma (12), at work on another book.

 Miles (10) posing for me.

We are home now.  What magic it is to be able to, in a few short hours, bridge the gap between Seattle and Pleasanton.   Isaiah said, "...they come with speed swiftly, none shall be weary nor stumble among them; none shall slumber nor sleep; neither shall the girdle of their loins be loosed nor the latchet of their shoes be broken...their wheels [shall be] like a whirlwind..." (Isaiah 5:26-28).  Our trip home was like a whirlwind!  We live in amazing times.  I'm grateful.

A Quiet time

When I was a girl, many weekends offered wonderful possibilities for doing whatever I set it into my mind to do. It was delicious, open time.  I can remember talking about possibilities for the use of this time often, with Mother and my sister Maryanne.  Mother was a very creative person and always had lots of ideas.  We sometimes got so caught up with possibilities that we literally spent the whole of our open time talking about them instead of doing them.  It is a funny, happy memory.  I wonder if it contributed to my feeling now that, somehow, accomplishment is tied to my feelings of worth.  As in my girlhood, I still plan my open time to include accomplishing the myriad of goals I have set for myself.  It is joyful to see some goal met, some activity completed.

This past week offered a gift of open time.  But there was little accomplished.  Not that I didn't try.  I had great hopes of finally finishing a jacket that I started weeks ago.  It was a creative project.  I designed the style and created the pattern.  I planned to line it with thermal material, for warmth.  But the pattern was too big and the lining material didn't lay properly.  I have worked over it for hours trying to make it right.  Last night, after ripping out the sleeves three times, I gave up.  For the moment.  As last night marked the end of my week, I felt such a depression.  I felt the hours spent on this project were wasted.  I had little to show for my 5 days of relatively open time.  My mind says I should not respond this way, but my emotions carry on without my permission.

Things are better after a night's sleep.  I'll work on that jacket again, after my mind has had time to think up solutions to the various issues regarding it.  And I did do other things this past week that were measurable accomplishments.  And why in the world can't I just relax and enjoy the time given to me?  Why must it always be filled with projects?  I don't know.

We have had lots of rain, finally.  Our yard looks as good as it ever does.  It's a very good time for potential buyers to check out our house.  Layne has been full of optimism about selling this place and talks of all that we can do once it is sold.  He feels a lightness at the very thought of it.  He has been anticipating a visit from the man who voiced such an interest in our home last week.  But we've not heard from him.  Perhaps, as we originally thought, it will take some time to find a buyer after all.  I'm happy and sad about this.

Granson Timmy finding an egg at last Saturday's hunt.

Our colorful yard showing the house in the background.

A beautiful mix of orange and purple fills our front yard.

And so we face another week.  It is looking a bit fuller than the last.  I'm trying not to fill it up with dreams.

Saint George and Easter

There are very few kindred spirits in this world.  I have several and they all live away from me; some quite far away.  Trudy Ostler is one of my kindreds.  She now lives in St. George.  I spent much of last week visiting her.  Her husband was gone so we had girl time, all the time.  When I have the chance of it, I can be quite a gabber.  Trudy is one of those safe people for me, so I gabbed.  It felt good to be able to talk about all sorts of things, unbridled and unlimited by time.  Time did pass quickly, as it always does, but it was filled with all sorts of nourishment.

Trudy and I in her house in St. George

Here I am on the red hills of St. George.  I love those climbing
ridges that the hills provide.  

Grandson Timothy was too young for the night hunt, but he gathered
all the glow bracelets after the hunt and models them here.

Here is grandson Scott, after the hunt.

Here is my tired boy tolerating a glow halo.

I've decided that I like St. George.  At least I like the red earth that surrounds it.  We hiked all through the red hills near Trudy's home one day.  I can't quite explain the euphoric feeling I had being there, in the middle of all that red dirt.  We were in the presence of an ancient volcano.  Remains of it were everywhere:  blackened rocks, volcanic rock and, most interesting, red mounds that looked like solid pudding.  They must have been hot at some time in the ancient past.  There they stand, pudding-like, with their layers offering steps up to their tops.  We had such fun climbing them and winding our way down to the various paths that fill the area.  What a beautiful place.  But of course I was not there in the summer.  I'm imagining that my enthusiasm might be a bit compromised at that time of year, with Saint George temperatures in the hundreds.

Our home is now officially for sale.  We had an open house for brokers on Friday.  Several couples showed up as well.  Both loved the home but one man especially liked it.  He WANTS it.  But he has to convince his wife.  Who would have thought that there would be interested parties the very first day?!  It makes me both sad and glad.  I will be sad to leave here.  There is much to love and a few things to bug.  I was thinking it would take a long time to sell the house, but maybe not.  If it sells soon, I'll need to focus on the bugs.

I got home just in time for our annual Easter Egg hunts.  Friday night the older kids gathered for a night hunt.  I read about making eggs glow by putting glow-in-the-dark bracelets inside.  So I decided to try it.  Each person had a different color egg and each person had 10 eggs to find.  Dorothy and I hid them just before dark so the glow would last.  We hid them in our budding orchard.  We place glow sticks all along the path to the orchard and then placed the eggs throughout.  The kids LOVED it.  I was so pleased that they liked it as much as they did.  The night was clear and cool, with a full moon giving the sky a slight glow.  It was perfect.

The next day the rest of the kids came for a daytime hunt.  It was tons of fun too.  I can't say why, but I love to hide Easter Eggs and love to watch the kids find them.  What a happy time.  We also had a lesson on Christ and the resurrection using scriptures hidden in eggs.  The kids picked an egg and read a numbered scripture, which unfolded the story.  Our pre-reader, Abigail, held up pictures to illustrate the scriptures.  It also went well.  Or so it seemed to me.

Today is Easter.  Son Ben and his family came, with food.  We ate a fondue dinner and dessert.  Wow, what a feast.  As the day closes, it seems a good time to express gratitude for the all-important gift of the Atonement.  l'm so happy to know that Christ both lived and lives, and has given to all of us in the world the means to overcome every dark thing.  Priceless.

Something Finished

I'm happy to report that I did finish Ben's childhood scrapbook.  We took it and all the other memorabilia from his childhood to Ben's home on Monday night.  I think he was pleased with it.  Certainly he was surprised.  At least I think he was.  Our family is not what I would call an emotionally open one.  That means that we don't let our feeling spill out randomly; not without some thought.  What I like about that is that there is a peaceful theme that runs throughout our relationships with our children.  What I don't like about that is we often don't know what feelings lurk behind the scenes.  If I could start again I think I'd like to create an atmosphere where more emotion and feelings were shared.  I don't know how to do that, of course.  If I did I would have done so by now.  Besides, there is no going back, so it seems the best thing to do is just enjoy my family as it is.

Here is Ben and Jessica's son William opening a birthday present.
We celebrated his April birthday at our extended Family Home Evening tonight.

Here is much of our gang watching William open his gifts.  Quite a crowd, eh?

Two of our grandsons spent several days with us.  Vincent and Timothy are Reed's sons.  They visited with us so Layne could help them build their Pinewood Derby cars.  Layne is the kind of guy who figures out how to do whatever needs doing.  Our sons seem to depend upon this particular gift that he has.  The guys got their cars finished and we enjoyed them very much.  Grandparenting is fun, especially when the crowd is small and there is a chance for a little one-on-one.

That was not possible today, when all the local kids came over to watch the Church's General Conference, eat dinner and a experience a Family Home Evening.  When all of us are together there seems to be no way to avoid a certain level of chaos.  But it's fun too.  And exhausting.  Once everyone goes, there is major clean-up, then we fall into bed.

Layne has given two patriarchal blessings using his new system of depending upon what comes to him at the actual time of the blessing.  I think he has hit upon a system that works for him.  The blessings are lovely and more personal using this system.  He feels more relaxed and more trusting that the Lord will actually speak to him.  It's a spiritual leap for him.  I think he feels like the light is beginning to dawn within him regarding this assignment.  I'm happy for him.

This coming week our home goes on the market.  I'll be in St. George, visiting my friend Trudy Ostler.  I think I'm happy to be gone for this beginning of the end of our time here.