My Mama

Mom is still in the hospital. Her left lung is still deflated, in spite of all the doctor has tried. The sac around her lung has been drained twice. What mucus there was in her lung has been suctioned out. Air has been pumped into the lung to stimulate it to work. So far, nothing has convinced that lung to re-inflate. The doctor now feels that it probably will not. Perhaps, he surmises, it has been deflated longer than we thought and is too injured to function. In any case, the doctor told us last night that there seems to be nothing left to do but bring her home, on oxygen. Eventually, he surmises, the lung will become infected and that infection will spread into her blood and that will be a fatal situation. So he suggests that we arrange for hospice care in our home for her. It looks like she will be ready to return home in a couple of days.

I feel like there is a cloud over my mind. I can hardly take this in. I have been steeling myself to lose Mom at some nebulous future time. Now it feels imminent. And it appears that I must be the one to help her leave. I have been preparing myself to do this, but now it feels painful. Mom has always stood before me as a shining example of a benevolent, fruitful life. I have taken joy in her zest for living, her creative thinking, her fabulous memory, her ongoing intelligence. She is bright and insightful even now.

Layne says not to invest in such thoughts yet. She may get that lung going after all. It is not that I don't want her to be able to leave us when she is ready; it is that I don't want her to leave this way. I was so hoping that she could just slip away, sweetly and gently. Of course few of us get to do that. But she so deserves it. Still, I have great faith that the Lord is in charge and He will help us all. I believe it will all turn to our benefit. So I will steel myself for whatever needs to be done.