The Busy-ness of Home

Why is it that desirable things all seem to come at once? During those intense days with my sister in Colorado my son Gerald, who lives in Taiwan, came to visit in Sunol. Daughter Jessica's three children were also at our home. Where was I? In Colorado! "It's all good", as the saying goes. But I felt torn between all those "goods." I kept my commitment to my sister Maryanne, but longed to somehow reach back to home as well. So when Layne suggested I end my Colorado stay by flying right home, I was happy.

But granddaughter Rayne was graduating from BYU Idaho in just a couple of days. She wanted me there soooooo, I gave up my trip home and, instead, drove to Salt Lake with Maryanne, where I met up with daughter Audrey and hub Cliff and drove to Idaho with them. As with so many things that take effort, it was worth it. Rayne looks lovely and her graduation was fun to see. You can see her here, in her robes, in one of the campus gardens.

I was lucky enough to get on an early flight home from there the very next day, on Saturday. I arrived in time to greet Gerald as he and the kids were driving out, on their way to Utah. Our Gendreau kids were still here though so we were at no loss for grandkid company. Layne did a grand job taking care of kids and all else while I was gone. One of the great things about being gone for me is being missed by this hub of mine, who rejoiced upon my return. Now I could take care of the grandkids. How romantic!

Daughter Jessica arrived from Seattle the same day I arrived home. It was great to have her with us. It's a rare thing these days since she is running a book store. We had fun with her and the kids and sent them all off for their home on the following Tuesday. It was a great bond all around even if exhausting. But maybe I'm saying that because I came home exhausted to begin with.

So now here we are, in the quiet that we two alone generate, surrounded by the new collection of boxes from Mom's that Audrey and Cliff were generous enough to bring home to me in their truck. Somehow seeing Mom's things contained in just seven boxes makes it all seem more manageable. I've got all but the family records sorted out and incorporated into the house. Too bad I can't say that this is all. We've made a dent in Mom's things but only just that. Over the next few months we hope to get the bulk of the sorting done. In the meantime, I'm home, alone with Layne, enjoying some open days to do with as I please. For now.

Pictures:  Top is our graduating Rayne; son Reed and his son James are in the thick of a chess game (they came to visit several times to bond with Jessica and her kids); Layne is standing next to a navy buddy, Larry Durbin, who came to visit with his wife, Teddie.  They are great people and also retired from United Air Lines.  Bottom is a glimpse of a day at the beach with Audrey, Dorothy, Jessica and kids.  You see the day through the eyes of grandson Bruce, who LOVED snacking on the sand.

Sorting

Traveling is not my favorite thing to do. Perhaps it is the United Airlines stand-by system that does me in. Each time I leave for the airport butterflies enter my stomach as there is no certainty that I'm going anywhere at all, besides the airport itself. One has to have some spirit of adventure to handle this process. As I grow older I seem to have less and less of it. At any rate on Tuesday evening I began my journey to Salt Lake to meet up with my sister Maryanne. Two late flights to Salt Lake looked promising. I can't imagine why they schedule such late arrivals; it doesn't seem like a prosperous schedule at all. I DID make it on of those flights. That is the good news. The bad news is that both were delayed, making my arrival at the Salt Lake Airport 12:30 AM! My poor brother-in-law, Bob, was there to pick me up without complaint.

Maryanne and I drove to Cedaredge from Salt Lake on Wednesday. It was a lovely drive and I enjoyed a visit with Maryanne that we have not had for three years. The days following have been full of sorting and disposing of the many possessions of my lovely Mother, who saved absolutely everything she ever received. There it all was, papers and mail from years ago, treasures of all sorts that she inherited and received from friends, all piled up in fruit boxes in her garage and behind room. Dirt and general vermin filled the cracks and crevices throughout. But we piled through and managed to dispose of an impressive amount. At least we were impressed. We ended each day covered in filth and grime, but warm with the notion that we were making progress. We enter this week with plans to work inside the house. It's a much cleaner place to be and is filled with family records of all sorts. It is fascinating and frustrating all at the same time. As much progress as we feel we are making, there are piles more to go. One trip definitely will not do the job.

I'm having trouble sleeping here. Perhaps it is the unresolved thoughts about Mom that keep sleep from me. I can't put a clear conclusion on it but I feel a general discontent with being here. I guess I miss my mom and her lively presence. The place is empty without her. It doesn't feel quite right to go through all her things and dispose of them in some way or another. She would not have it in life so I suppose there are some residual feelings in my heart that she may not like it now either. Yet it must be done. I suppose I have my own feelings to sort out as well as her stuff. I also suppose that it will all resolve itself with time.

We've had little in the way of company since we've been here. That has been a blessing. But on Sunday our friend, Tracy Munson, came for a visit. Sometimes conversation can take a magical turn. Our small talk with Tracy turned into a lively conversation about developing talents, using life productively and joyfully and making sense of our journey by adding a meaningful spiritual dimension to it. With such conversations, the Spirit of the Lord enters and warms all. It happened with
our conversation with Tracy. At these times the joy of intimacy invades and rewards, making interaction with friends so rewarding. It was so for us last night.

Today we address the challenge of the house once again.

Pictures: Top is a picture taken by my nephew, Mark, of Mom's mail box, with her driveway and home in the background. Middle you see the trash we accumulated from the room above and the garage. Bottom picture is of the room behind Mom's garage. We began with little room to even move around and quit with lots of moving around space. The picture doesn't do justice to our accomplishment!

Another Cousin Camp

Layne told me not to do it. But I decided not to disappoint the kids so this past week we had a rather informal Cousin Camp. Eight of our grandkids spent the week with us. I admit to being unusually tired. The house was not prepared either. Piles of stuff we brought home from Mom's place fill our rooms. But on they came anyhow. I didn't plan any activities for them as I did last year. They just did their own thing. I put them all in Mom's old room, moving her stuff out of sight.

Wow, what a thing to keep 8 kids happy. My time was totally taken up in their service. Breakfast led into lunch which led into snacks and drinks, then dinner. It was hot. I offered them a trip to the beach and they got so excited. But I could find no second driver to get all those kids there. So Audrey and I decided to get a kid pool for here and have them make do with that. Well...one thing led to another and I wound up getting a much bigger pool than planned. What a blessing it turned out to be. The kids loved
it! What a marvelous score. No worries for the rest of the time.

I often think that I have to "keep the kids busy" but I was delighted to see that these kids had no problems finding their own fun. They searched for life forms, like lizards, frogs and snakes. They helped the cats find mice. They raced on scooters and chased each other around the expansive space that surrounds our house. They watched movies and ate popcorn. They kept each other awake half the night. It was fun, but exhausting.

Friday found the local kids headed for their homes. Daughter Jessica's three Gendreau children remain. After the rest left it seemed like a vacation to only have these three. l have especially looked forward to time with them, as it is so rare. We've had such fun, just the three of them and us. Today we took them to Church. They are not used to Church and know little of the gospel. But they did just fine. We had a great gospel discussion over lunch. I talked to them about the Plan of Salvation and associated ideas. They got into it and asked some very good questions. I felt quite wonderful about the sweet ideas and truths that came forth from their interest and questions. I love this time with just a few of my babes. When the whole gang is here they connect with each other and I am their slave. But when there are just a few, they are my friends.

There has been no time to think or do anything on my own. I know there are issues to work through and stuff to be organized. I suppose that will come soon enough. Tuesday I leave for Salt Lake to meet my sister, Maryanne. We will drive to Colorado and sort more of Mom's things. I'm looking forward to it. There will be some time to rest, in between sorting. Or so I hope. I keep running into changes in my life without Mom. I can go to Salt Lake now without worries about her, for instance. I suppose it will take awhile to face all of the changes that are now before me. Mom was such a part of my life, routine and thoughts.

Pictures: top shows the grandkids all gathered around our cat, Tiki, as she tries to get a mouse she's trapped in the bush you see in the center of the kids. With their help, the mouse escaped. The middle picture shows our new kid pool with happy kids inside. It's pretty big, isn't it? The bottom picture is our Gendreau kids ready for Church.

An Unwinding

Layne and I headed for home with a loaded car on Wednesday morning. It was the first time since Mom's passing that we have been alone for any amount of time. We talked quite a bit. it was nice to have him to myself in an enclosed space where neither of us could escape. Layne has the ability to read me quite well. He senses what I need and does his best to provide it. I'm most grateful for that. We had a lovely time together traveling across the desert toward home.

We arrived home Thursday afternoon, loaded with bags and boxes from the Ranch. Who knew I "needed" so much stuff! Isn't it interesting how a desire for something that never entered your mind before can be awakened upon viewing that something. It is hard not to keep things that Mom treasured, even though they are basically "house clutterers". I'm going to give my kids a chance at these treasures when they come on Monday for Independence Day. In the meantime our home is filled with boxes and stuff.

These past few days I have felt so very tired. It is one of those times when I want to just sit and do nothing. That doesn't happen to me very often but it has hit me big-time now. Perhaps it is just a normal reaction to the high demand of the past months. Or maybe its more than that. While at the Ranch I missed the bottom stair in the wee hours of the morning and fell, hurting one of my little toes. I've been limping a bit since. Then early Saturday morning here I got the mother of all leg cramps. In getting up to stretch it out I fell again. My toe problem has created a bit of imbalance for me, you see. That's my excuse anyhow. That fall hurt the same foot and so I limped around all day Saturday.....again. Maybe that's part of my weariness. Or maybe it is just a mix of all sorts of things. At any rate nothing is put away and I'm surrounded by chaos.

Still can't move the pictures, or see them. But I have faith that the top picture is of Mom's grave. Next, grandchildren Scott and Allegra stand on the grave. Bottom is of me and my girls, Audrey and Jessica.

Putting Mom to Rest

Mother is gone. My feelings are suspended for now. There has been so much to do this past week. I seem to automatically tune out my emotions when the demand is high. It sometimes serves me and sometimes doesn't. I find it hard to call them up at will. they bubble up uninvited instead.

Maryanne and I planned to dress Mom's body last Monday. Even though I dressed the body of my granddaughter, I still was filled with stress over it. But sweet friends accompanied us, making the load much lighter. Mom's Relief Society President, Debbie Boyce, her Visiting Teacher, Zella Willoughby and good friend Sharon Palmer helped us through it. Seeing Mom's empty body confirmed to me that she was indeed gone. It is interesting to me how very useless and vacant the body is when the spirit of life is gone. She is gone. Dressing her was easily managed with the help of our friends. Her body looked lovely in her temple clothes.

The folks at Taylor Mortuary were helpful and supportive. I felt embraced by their caring. They managed so many of the details needed to finalize Mom's mortal life. it was a sweet comfort.

Tuesday Layne, Maryanne and I went to dinner at our friends the Palmers. On the way I fell into a pondering. I was thinking of Mom and wondering how she was and how she felt. Gently I felt her whisper into my mind. She said simply, "I'm fine." It was her usual answer in life to inquiries during her post-stroke condition. It came to me so naturally. I felt a tingle of reassurance that her message was real. I know now that all is well with her.

Our week was taken up with preparations for her burial and memorial. Our children were due to scatter their arrivals as the weekend approached. We planned food and activities. We did our best to sort as much of Mom's household goods as we could cram into our few days. We filled the garage with her things, hoping that our children and grandchildren would find some treasures there to take home. Mom has so many things! It will take us months to sort through it all.

Stuff, stuff, stuff. Mom's home is filled with all sorts of it. If she had a fault, this is it. She could not let anything go. Years of accumulation from her life, Daddy's, our Kiser grandparents, and other relatives full her house and garage and barn and...well, you get the idea. Here is a lesson in stuff. It is best to have as little of it as possible.

Most of our children were here for the weekend's events. It was wonderful to be surrounded by family. Our sons carried Mom's casket to her place next to Daddy on Saturday. It was a lovely, sunny day. We gathered to hear a greeting by Mom's new Bishop, Bishop Tulley. Maryanne's husband, Bob, gave the dedicatory prayer and then it was done. It takes just minutes to marry and bury. Isn't it interesting that the most important events in our lives seem to take so little time.

One of those in attendance was my father's half sister, Geraldine. she came with her husband, daughter Donna and grandson. I was looking forward to visiting with them at the meal that followed the burial, prepared by our local Church ladies. But they didn't come. I later discovered that they have an aversion to the Church and felt the could not enter our building. It was the grandson who told me. As it turns out, he is a convert to the Church! I find it fascinating how the gospel has seeped into our family. Little by little it comes, with its subtle influence for good. I wish there had been an opportunity to spend more time with Geraldine; to warm her somehow.

It was the memorial for Mom that I worried most about. Maryanne and I were the speakers and the music was provided mostly by family. Would it go well? It was on our shoulders. I worked on my talk all week, finally pulling it together early Thursday morning. I prayed that the Spirit would make something of it. As with all anticipated events, the memorial came and went rather quickly. I believe the spirit was with us as our program progressed. Many sweet exchanges followed the service, assuring me that we had accomplished our purpose. Mother was remembered with honor.

The family gathered for the last time Sunday night. We ate and visited. I felt such a contentment sitting on Mom's deck, with Layne, and surrounded by children and grandchildren. The late afternoon air embraced us with sweet warmth as I looked up through the trees into the clear blue sky. Some of the grandchildren laughed in the background as they built a mud bridge over Mom's creek. She would have a fit at that. But for me, it was heaven.

As the family left, we did some more sorting. It was work from morning until night. Today, Wednesday, we have started our drive home, loaded with "treasures". I'm looking forward to the rest and to redefining my life without Mom. That part will be hard.

Pictures: I can no longer manipulate the photos or see them in the draft mode; there is some problem with the blogger program. So, they are out of order. Top is the luncheon that followed Mom's burial. You can see some of our family there, notably my daughters Jessica and Audrey (I can't see the photo to add others to that identification). Next is a scene from Mom's burial just after the dedication by my brother-in-law, Bob Berrett. Bottom picture is Mom's garage, filled with some of her many collections. We organized it to provide a bit of family "shopping" while so many of our children were gathered.

Mother Moves On

Things can change so quickly. This past week Mom began to languish. She stopped eating and getting up. By Friday I took a risk and called my sister Maryanne and her hub Bob and told them Mom wasn't doing very well. They decided to come so they arrived on Friday night. It felt good to have them here.

I'm converted to Hospice care. They are tremendously caring and helpful. They provide us with supplies and medicines, all at no cost to us and are present whenever needed. The amazing care Mom has received from the California medical and hospice service and the Colorado hospice has been free to her. Wow. I don't like the concept of socialized medical care but can't help feeling so grateful for this amazing service she has received. She has been embraced by all sorts of loving people. And so have we, just being near her. Friends have filled our days since our return to Colorado. Mom is so loved.

Mom has been bed-bound and food-less for a week or so. On Saturday she took a turn for the worse. She became fidgety and then totally tuned out, all in repeating cycles. I tried medicating her as directed and nothing changed her fidgeting. I called hospice and Jerome, a friendly medical guy, turned up. He gave us the guidance we needed to give her medication that knocked her out. She stayed that way for hours. By afternoon her lungs were filled with fluid and seeping into her mouth. It was a hard thing to see, but Jerome assured us that she was taking no notice of it and would just sweetly drift away. Wow, she was DYING! Bob and Layne gave her a release blessing Saturday afternoon, telling her it was OK to leave. Four hours later, she did.

Mary Margaret Knox Kiser passed sweetly away on June 18th at 9:15 PM, in the presence of family and friends. One of those friends, Steve Palmer, said he saw my father standing in the room by Mom's window. How comforting that was to me. I believe him! I have been telling Mom that Daddy would come to get her when the time was right. I believe he did. I feel that Mom, after three years of physical struggle, is finally free. She didn't want to go for quite awhile; I believe she had a hard time giving up her many plans for this life. But at last she let go. I picture her now with the many family members that have already gone. I see her dancing with Daddy. I feel her happiness.

But now we must adjust to her absence. How I will miss her. She has filled my time, space and thoughts for three years, not to mention the endless hours she invested in me as a caring mother.

Things often come in bunches. This weekend also brought our Mongolian foster daughter, Brynn Jantsen. She brought along a love interest named Roy Long. We so enjoyed them both. Brynn is helpful and supportive and seemed to be here at just the right time. She and Roy came on Friday. When I told Mom they were coming, Mom thought Roy was Brynn's ex-husband and said, "that man cannot sleep in this house! He hurt our girl." I smiled at that. Since Roy was not her ex-husband, he did stay at the house and added a positive influence to our sad affairs as Mom sunk. Brynn and Roy are gone now and we are making plans for Mom's memorial and the disposition of her many possessions. What a legacy she has left us. I'm so thankful!

Pictures: Top is Mom shortly before we brought her back to Colorado. Below her is Brynn and Roy.

At Home in Colorado

We brought Mom to Colorado with fear in our hearts that she may not make the trip. My sister Maryanne and her busband Bob decided to drive over so that we all could be here when Mom decided to pass on. It must be the Colorado air. Mom is doing better! At least for now. Bob and Maryanne spent 3 days with us and decided to go back home.

We have been enjoying the Ranch once again and the beauty that surrounds us here. Mom sleeps almost all the time so there is lots of open time for doing exactly what we please. It is quite relaxing. I've had some sweet conversations with Mom. One last Sunday was especially good. We talked of dying and the great adventure that it would be. I could feel such a strong spirit with us as we talked. I believe it was inspired and a blessing to both of us. I have found a spot in her yard that has become a "sacred" spot for me. Each morning I go there to pray and read the scriptures. Being surrounded by nature's beauty is quite inspiring. I believe the Spirit of the Lord is in nature. it is a good place to go to feel that Spirit.

Since Mom is up and down, we've decided to use this time to get ready for her passing. I believe we have things in place so that it will go easily once her time comes to leave. I feel so tender about her. She has left such a loving mark upon her world. I believe that her descendants will be blessed for generations because of her magic touch.

Picture is the entrance to Mom's Ranch in Cedaredge, Colorado.