At Home in Colorado

We brought Mom to Colorado with fear in our hearts that she may not make the trip. My sister Maryanne and her busband Bob decided to drive over so that we all could be here when Mom decided to pass on. It must be the Colorado air. Mom is doing better! At least for now. Bob and Maryanne spent 3 days with us and decided to go back home.

We have been enjoying the Ranch once again and the beauty that surrounds us here. Mom sleeps almost all the time so there is lots of open time for doing exactly what we please. It is quite relaxing. I've had some sweet conversations with Mom. One last Sunday was especially good. We talked of dying and the great adventure that it would be. I could feel such a strong spirit with us as we talked. I believe it was inspired and a blessing to both of us. I have found a spot in her yard that has become a "sacred" spot for me. Each morning I go there to pray and read the scriptures. Being surrounded by nature's beauty is quite inspiring. I believe the Spirit of the Lord is in nature. it is a good place to go to feel that Spirit.

Since Mom is up and down, we've decided to use this time to get ready for her passing. I believe we have things in place so that it will go easily once her time comes to leave. I feel so tender about her. She has left such a loving mark upon her world. I believe that her descendants will be blessed for generations because of her magic touch.

Picture is the entrance to Mom's Ranch in Cedaredge, Colorado.

Our Roller-Coaster Ride

Not long after our visit with the Kisers, my sister Maryanne called to say that she was coming for a visit. I think she was anxious to see Mom and take in her present condition. Maryanne stayed with us for 4 days. We had fun and she got in some good bonding with Mom. She feels strongly that we need to tell Mom that she can go; that we will be all right. She did that while she was here. She also helped me with a couple of home projects. That really perked me up. She left on Saturday.

That night I noted that Mom's

voice was deep, like she was catching something. She was unusually licid and had difficulty falling aslee

p. Sunday morning she awoke with a rattle in her throat. Our foster daughter, Michelle, stayed with her while we went to Church. When I returned home, early, she was completel

y changed. She lay in her chair in a deep sleep. I had trouble rousing her. She could only mumble. It scared me. I called the nurse who

said she wasn't sure what was happening but told me how to care for her. We moved her to her bed where she fidgeted for awhile, talking to herself, us or no one at all. She wanted us there so Audrey and I sat in her room with her and watched her go from talking to us, to talking in a completely different direction, shutting usout. Then she quieted do

wn and went to slee

p. We felt sure she was dying. That strengthened when we found we could not rouse her. She became totally unresponsive.Thinking she would not live through the night, I called the kids. Everyone came! Maryanne's son Bryan and his wife even came. Our Sunday evening was spent in Mom's room, with everyone taking a turn telling her good-bye and that we loved her. Even the long distance kids called and talked to her. We visited until midnight, when everyone left. I kissed Mom goodnight and we went to bed.

I approached Mom's room on Monday morning with fear in my heart. I opened her door and looked in. She looked right at me and said "Hi." I was stunned! "Mom," I said, "I thought you'd be dead this morning. Everyone was here last night to tell you good-bye." "Sorry a

bout that," she said. I got her up, she ate breakfast and slept most of the day. Wow. What would y

ou do with such a mother? Is she leaving or not? First she is up, then down, then up...

..Our hospice nurse says her pneumonia has returned and that there isn't much we can do about it. So Mom's days are shortened but it is unknown by how much. There are extra things that must be done now to help her breathe easier. So her routine becomes a bit more complicated. She takes it all in stride, trusting me to do right by her. I find that caring for her has many joyful moments. I don't mind care giving too much; especially caring for Mom. Our nurse, Jenny, told me that I have a gift for it. That comment made me feel wonderful. I worry that I'm not doing all I can, so her praise was so encouraging.

Now nothing is normal. Sometimes she can't sleep and chatters constantly. Sometimes her speech is clear and sometimes muddled. Sometimes she wants to eat and sometimes n

ot. Sometimes all she can do is sleep. We are on a roller-coaster ride with her. We decided we'd better get her home to Colorado as fast as we could. We feel strongly that she needs to be in her home to pass away. We hastily packed and left on Thursday morning. We drove all day Thursday. I worried that Mom wouldn't do well, or worse, die on the way. But she did fine. We arrived at 2:30 AM Colorado time and took her inside her own little home. She perked up! She wanted to go through her usual night time routine. I was amazed. We got her into bed by 3:00 AM or so and we fell into bed shortly after. She has been fine since then. We are here with her until she is finished with this life. How long it will take only the good Lord knows.

Pictures: My sister, Maryanne, and me; me on the chair that Maryanne helped me recover; some of our family gang gathered in Mom's room to tell her goodbye; Maryanne's youngest son Bryan with his wife Jessica and new daughter, Maggie. Mom saw Maggie for the first time when they visited us.

Kisers

Since Mom has been home from the hospital we have been talking about a get-together with our local Kiser relatives. The Kisers I'm referring to consist of my father's brother, Uncle Mike, and his two children (my cousins) Michael and Judy. We had a date with them for dinner last Saturday afternoon. It involved traveling to San Francisco, where Michael lives. Mom really wanted to go. Saturday morning she was all for it. I began helping her get ready about 1:00. "I don't think I'm up to going," she said then. I could see that she was torn; she is a people girl and really wanted to make this journey. Yet she felt weak and tired. It was hard for her to give up the trip. I took her picture and recorded a message to the family from her so that they could feel her spirit even though she wasn't there. We tucked her back into her favorite chair, put on some music and left her in the care of the kids downstairs.

We made the 50 minute drive to Michael's home in Brisbane (by San Francisco) without Mom. It felt funny to be just the two of us. I teased Layne that he was taking me out on a date at last. He isn't big on such things, you see. After our arrival at Michael's home we remembered that he has very steep stairs leading to his front door. Thank goodness we didn't bring Mom. How would we have ever managed to get her inside! We had a great time bonding with those Kisers. They enjoyed the message from Mom and were fascinated with the means of that message: my iphone. "What's that thing called?" Judy asked. In case you are wondering, all of them are "tech-retarded". I had such fun showing them all the tricks my little phone can do. They were full of "ooohs" with each function.

I have wonderful childhood memories of my Kiser relatives. As a grown-up I've discovered a few skeletons in the Kiser closet, but when we were children, all was sweet and loving. Though our lives have taken very different directions over the years, when we are together there is friendship and loving connections. I love spending time with them. Not many of the older generation are left now. My Uncle Mike is 91, just two years younger than Mom. His wife Bette is not far behind him. Once they are gone, WE are the older generation.

Pictures: Top is Mom just before we left to go to Michael's. Bottom is the local Kiser gang:
L to R: Stan Perry (Judy's husband), Helen (Michael's significant other for many years), Judy Kiser Perry, Michael Kiser, Bette Kiser (Uncle Mike's wife) and Uncle Mike (Daddy's younger brother).

Mothers Galore

Mom is home! She came home last Thursday. Oxygen tanks now sit in a row in our house and we have regular nurses, from a local Hospice. She is a different woman; much weaker with little appetite. She wants to sleep, sleep, sleep. She is still her sweet self, but in a different place. "My body is getting ready to die," she told me a couple of days ago. She is making a shift from living to dying. That is a major change for her. She has been so focused on life. But here's the thing. Her left lung is partially working. There is air exchange there. Her oxygen needs have greatly reduced. How interesting. I believe that she is on her way to the next world, but, perhaps, more slowly than previously thought.

Since Sunday was Mother's Day, I got an idea for Mom. I asked those close to her to write her a love letter. I printed them up and read them to her. She loved them! They are all in a binder now for her to review when she wants to. I want to surround her with love so that she can begin her exit with loving support. I hope I'm up to helping her on her way, when it becomes clear it is needed.

I stayed home from Church on Mom's Day, to be with my mom. She is too tired to leave the house right now. It is the first time I've missed Church for a very long time. It felt strange. I read the scriptures and organized my itune music so as the have a nice collection of Sabbath music to play when the family came. It was fun. Mom slept through it all.

Layne talked with all our family moms, asking them for food requests for Sunday. He and Cliff came up with quite an imaginative menu for our Mom's Day feast. There was roasted chicken for me, taco salad for Audrey, spinach pie for Jessica and Indian butter chicken for Dorothy. Mom isn't eating much so there was no special dish for her. But our desserts followed the same pattern as our dinner. And the guys prepared it all. It was great. We had lots of fun with the family and lots of food. Sadly for grandson Isaiah, Sunday was also his birthday. He got a little lost on Sunday. Anticipating that, his folks celebrated it on Saturday. That turned out to be a very good decision.

People. Family. I'm so grateful to have them in my life. I'm glad that I decided many years ago to marry a fine man and have a family. My joy in them grows as the years pass. I thank the Lord for family.

Pictures: Top is our Mother's Day chef Layne on the job. Next is Mom responding to one of her Mother's Day calls. She looks pretty good, doesn't she? Even now, she gets high on people. Then comes our ever-growing baby Bruce (Reed and Dorothy's #5 son), Bottom picture is our birthday boy, Isaiah, enjoying our birthday gift to him, one day early.

My Mama

Mom is still in the hospital. Her left lung is still deflated, in spite of all the doctor has tried. The sac around her lung has been drained twice. What mucus there was in her lung has been suctioned out. Air has been pumped into the lung to stimulate it to work. So far, nothing has convinced that lung to re-inflate. The doctor now feels that it probably will not. Perhaps, he surmises, it has been deflated longer than we thought and is too injured to function. In any case, the doctor told us last night that there seems to be nothing left to do but bring her home, on oxygen. Eventually, he surmises, the lung will become infected and that infection will spread into her blood and that will be a fatal situation. So he suggests that we arrange for hospice care in our home for her. It looks like she will be ready to return home in a couple of days.

I feel like there is a cloud over my mind. I can hardly take this in. I have been steeling myself to lose Mom at some nebulous future time. Now it feels imminent. And it appears that I must be the one to help her leave. I have been preparing myself to do this, but now it feels painful. Mom has always stood before me as a shining example of a benevolent, fruitful life. I have taken joy in her zest for living, her creative thinking, her fabulous memory, her ongoing intelligence. She is bright and insightful even now.

Layne says not to invest in such thoughts yet. She may get that lung going after all. It is not that I don't want her to be able to leave us when she is ready; it is that I don't want her to leave this way. I was so hoping that she could just slip away, sweetly and gently. Of course few of us get to do that. But she so deserves it. Still, I have great faith that the Lord is in charge and He will help us all. I believe it will all turn to our benefit. So I will steel myself for whatever needs to be done.

Contrasts

Life forms of all sorts wander throughout my small space. Last week it was grandchildren. Each morning we greet deer, turkeys, our assortment of cats and other creatures. I spent Monday of last week cleaning up after our adventure with Ben and Jessica's children. We had such fun, but a day of reckoning almost always follows. I cleaned and washed as fast as I could on that Monday because Gerald, Frances and kids arrived that same evening. I was ready for them, just barely. We had a short but sweet couple of days with them, including a custom-made Easter Egg Hunt for Seth and Angelica, designed and carried out by Isaiah and Allegra. We slept once again on our wall bed. There is nothing like giving one's bedroom away to notice the length of a visit. It changes our world, but not in a bad way. The kids left on Wednesday and, happily, arrived in Taiwan in good shape.

"I'm so tired," Mom said with increasing frequency throughout the week. She began to have trouble breathing and was coughing up blood when we decided that she should go to the hospital. Layne and Cliff took her on Friday and discovered that she has pneumonia! It is often so hard to tell when a condition is serious. At least it is for us. Mom is now stabilized and it looks like she'll be fine. She's on antibiotics and had her left lung drained of fluid. So as of today she is resting somewhat comfortably. It is an up and down ride with Mom. There are days when I steel myself to lose her and there are days when it never enters my mind.

While Layne and Cliff were taking care of Mom, I was experiencing an "isotope study" at the doctor's office. It was done to look at my arteries to see if there is any plaque build-up. I've been looking forward to doing this as I really, really want to know what is going on with my body. Should I be worried, or not? The technicians were impressed with my 68 year old body. That made me feel quite hopeful. But the real skinny comes when I meet with the cardiologist next month.

We celebrated Easter with Audrey and family and Ben and family. It was a sweet time. We discussed the Atonement with the kids. They really seemed to understand it quite well. Lately I've been studying the New Testament and the Atonement and feel a much deeper appreciation for the Savior. This study is, for me, often an infusion of insight, awe and love.

The best use of time continues to be a challenge for me. I have two contrasting philosophies: get as much good stuff done as I can versus my fundamental principle that people should always trump stuff. I find myself fighting that battle almost daily. I'm trying to turn myself over to family needs more often. Actually, if I think about it, that is almost all that I do lately, if you count caring for Mom. I'm also giving myself to Ben's Jessica on Fridays, to help her with her busiest day of the week. I find it enjoyable and am trying not to think of it as a cut into my "productive" time. What could be more productive than bonding with family? Today I go to Reed and Dorothy's to help them with an over-demanding day. So there you are. For now, in the people versus stuff war, the people are winning.

Pictures: top is son Gerald eating the waffles that his babes ordered for breakfast. Next are Gerald and Frances' children, Seth and Angelica during their Easter Egg hunt in our back yard. Bottom shows me with friends Frank and Sharon Heiss, who came to dinner during their visit to California.

Full House

"Oh dear," declared Mom as I held her to brush her teeth tonight. "Oh dear," has become her favorite phrase. She repeats it at least 20 times a day, for almost every occasion. When I ask her what is wrong she routinely replies, "Oh, nothing." She is not one to complain. But I can imagine how difficult it must be for her to be so dependent upon us for help with just about everything. Once in awhile, she mentions her sorrow over this. I have taken to not responding much to that. What can be said that is a comfort except that we don't mind. How can she not not like her present condition? Perhaps there is some eternal benefit for her in experiencing this. Or perhaps the benefit is ours. Or maybe it is a little of both. Enduring now is the challenge.

As mentioned previously, Ben and Jessica are moving into a new home this week. So their four younger children have been staying with us. We had such fun together their first day, Tuesday. The little girls slept downstairs with Audrey and Cliff. We put the two boys to sleep in our new wall bed, in our study. It all went beautifully. The boys went right to sleep. So did we. I awoke about 1 AM to two soft brown eyes staring at me. "Grandma, I'm thirsty," 4 year old Zachary told me. So I got up and got him and drink and re-tucked him into bed. I was almost asleep when Mom blew her whistle, calling me to help her. "I need an tissue," she said. I gave her one and went back to bed. I was almost asleep when in came Zachary again. "William is sleeping in my spot and there's no room for me," he told me. So I got up and moved William and tucked Zach back into bed once again. I must tell you that I was very patient with all these interruptions. After all, I had a good night's sleep the night before. I was just settling in yet again when our alarm went off at 4:30, signaling our wake-up call to get ready to go to the temple. I felt amazingly good throughout the day considering my night.

But Wednesday night was a bit more stressful as Zachary exposed me to another set of bedtime problems. I could go into details of that night's challenges but suffice it to say that I didn't get much sleep that night either. So by Thursday night I was pretty scrambled. I slept like the dead that night in spite of Zachary's nightly concerns. I know I've gone on and on about my nights but I should admit that our days were pretty fun. The boys played and played. Baby Abigail has decided to like me and she became my little shadow. I loved it.

Every day was full to the brim but especially Saturday. It was our yearly Easter Egg Hunt. I know...it was early but the only day everyone could come. We had two hunts: daytime for the under eights and nighttime for the eights and older. I decided to have the older kids hide the eggs for the little ones and the little ones helped me hide the eggs for the older ones. It worked well. The clouds parted Saturday night, allowing a full moon to light the egg field for the older kids. Each egg had reflector tape on it to catch the attention of the hunters when hit with their flashlights. It was fun! After the night hunt, everyone went home! All that was left was the three of us and...the mess.

Putting Mom to bed tonight (Sunday) seemed such an easy task after five days of caring for Ben and Jessica's four children. In spite of the work I really enjoyed having them here. I believe I am in the happy position of loving the chaos of many bodies and also loving the peacefulness of having few.

Pictures: Top is Abigail eating waffles...her request for breakfast. Next are William and Zachary really getting some kicks out of their bubble bath. The younger kid's Easter Egg Hunt is next, then Reed and baby Bruce just after the hunt. Rayne is at the bottom. She was home from college for spring break. She graduates this year!