Life in the Clouds

Every morning now for some time we have awakened to a white world. Layne says we sit in the middle of clouds on these winter days. I like clouds and rain so I don't mind the misty effect of our winter views. Lately the mist has turned to rain and more rain. How we have hoped for a nice wet winter. We especially look forward to rain since our well puts out water that does a pretty adequate job of poisoning our plants with its heavy doses of boron and salt. So we collect rain in cisterns for summer watering. Thus, the 4 day storms that have drenched us for the past week have brought mostly blessings. I say mostly because the accompanying winds have, once again, blow down some of our trees. Trees are a scarcity here so we mourn the loss of each one, carefully planted with hopes of a future forest.

Often, as I sit in our study, I hear the sounds of a manly voice drifting up our stairway. Those sounds could be counted on to confirm the presence of son-in-law Cliff. But lately they have come from a grandson who has found his manhood. Chase is now 18, six foot three (rivaling his grandfather) and announces his own presence with a deeply resonating voice. He seems to have made this change suddenly. Yet it is not so; he has matured at a slow and steady pace but somehow the voice change caps his manliness. I remember being started at my own sons' change of sound and, so soon, here it is again. I have a grown-up grandson!

That means, of course, that I am getting much older. I have to remind myself of my years because I feel so much the same as I always have. The latest reminder came on Monday, as I celebrated another birthday. It was an unusually nice celebration for me. It was even a holiday! Never mind that it was in celebration of someone else. I still felt honored. Each of my children called except Gerald, who called several days later. Lots of sweet people wished me well, including our empty nest group, which met at our house, conveniently for my celebration, the night of my birthday. So I had many well wishers, which warmed my heart. For some reason it is important to me to hear from my children on my day. Perhaps I just need to know that they remember me and that they love me. They rarely let me down.

My sister, Maryanne, came for a visit over my birthday, which added to the sweetness of it. She is struggling with various health issues but is still such fun to have around. We didn't do much but not much is needed for a sweet bond to occur. Mom especially enjoyed having both of her girls nearby and tending to her needs. She feels so badly about being needy. I feel quite challenged in the care of her. I'm worried that I do not do enough to strengthen her and to stimulate her interests. She seems to languish much of the time. She says her mind often feels "empty". I do not understand all the effects of her stroke but she is greatly diminished. Still, there is lots of her left; enough to rejoice over. I'm focusing on that.

Pictures: Top is a typical winter morning in the clouds. Next is me in my Niagara Falls raincoat braving pouring rain to dump the compost. Then comes the grown-up grandson, Chase. Ben's Jessica and their children stopped by on my birthday to sing to me. Left is me with my sister, Maryanne.

First of the Year Dreams

January is sort of like Monday; the beginning of measured time to follow. It is filled with possibilities. In January my mind soars with hopes for great things to come and great productivity on my part. I'm organizing my spaces to work better. I hate to admit that I've done this endless times before, come up with various systems to smooth out my routine and then....forgot to use them. How can I make this year different? I'm working on that. In the meantime I'm creating more systems...

It has been overcast here for many days but the clouds we seem to be living in are not producing much rain. Still, our 5 cisterns are full, which will provide garden nourishment for the coming summer months. So, I'm not complaining. I like the clouds; they don't dampen my spirits at all. In fact, they provide a symbol for me of the nourishing efforts of the heavens. Rain is life.

My nest is empty of kids but somehow there seems to be as much to do as ever. Why is that? I'm thankful for things to do but wonder how to properly prioritize. Am I doing what I should? Am I caring for Mom as I should? What should I reasonably expect that she will be able to accomplish? What should I reach for? It is unfamiliar ground for me. Sometimes I feel quite alone in my responsibility for her care. Layne stands ready to help me, but it feels like all the decisions regarding her are mine alone. I hope I'm not letting her down. She is such a noble soul and deserving of the best experience that can be offered her.

It is the people versus stuff war again being waged in my head. People often interfere with my plans. But wait, aren't I doing my stuff for the people in my life? Yes, I am. People really are the most important thing. So I'm letting the people interrupt me as much as they'd like!

Pictured here are good friends Jody and Jerry Jensen. They provided sweet interruption for an afternoon that we enjoyed totally. Pictured also is Layne talking with his hands to the Jensens. The kids tease him about this particular trait. Here you see him in the midst of major hand talk.

Holiday thoughts

Left is our Carmen tree. If you look closely, you can see pictures of her hanging on the branches. Picture below the tree is of grandsons Zachary and William (Ben's sons) at the end of a hard day of play. Top of bottom three pictures is Mom with granddaughters Alexis and Jacqueline (Ben's girls). In the middle picture Audrey and Reed are playing a duet during our Christmas family talent night. Bottom picture is of daughter Audrey, granddaughter Rayne and me. Rayne is on her way back to school at BYU Idaho.






It is often hard for me to separate Christmas fantasies from realities. My mind leaps into dreams of how things could be and what I could do to make it so. This year's celebrations were different than usual. It was an "away" Christmas. That is, the other side of our family got the kids for Christmas day this year. So we spread our celebrations out into three separate days. One was for Ben and Jes, who left for Utah to spend Christmas with Jessica's family. Christmas Eve was for Reed and Dorothy, who spent Christmas day with Dorothy's family. I hardly knew how to chop up our usual celebrations but gave it a shot. We had a Christmas Eve reader's theater instead of a nativity drama. It turned out quite nicely, I thought, with each child present offering a reading part, backed up by a slide show, all in celebration of the Savior's birth.

This year I made just about all the Christmas gifts to our kids. I found that it brought me greater pleasure to present the gifts. Perhaps it was because I put a bit more effort into them. I tend to get excited about things and, quite naturally, look for an equally enthusiastic response from my family. It never turns out that way. But, I tell myself, it is not that our gifts are not happily received; rather it is that we each respond differently. My granddaughter Allegra is my only very enthusiastic receiver of gifts. It is such fun to give her things! But I still long for a more generally animated response from the rest. I would like to say that my Christmas fantasies are becoming a bit more realistic. But they aren't.

The whole local gang came for New Year's Eve. I often feel that our time together is too much taken up with caring for children and not enough for general bonding. So, Layne and I decided to try something new. We rented an inflatable jumper and placed it to open into the garage. We embellished the garage with a rug, couch and table filled with goodies of all sorts. What a day those kids had! They spent the whole bouncing and playing. By dinner they were finished with that. We dined together, watched "Night at the Museum", played games and toasted in the New Year promptly at midnight. It was generally a fine time for all.

People filled our season. We've had a house full of family and friends for most of these past two weeks. Or so it seems. I am happy and exhausted. This morning, with no early obligations, I slept until 8 AM. Then I read until 9. It was a lovely time.

Lately I've been a little concerned that Mom seems to be less enthusiastic about doing things. Several days ago she told me that it is easy to sleep when there is nothing else to do. I notice that myself, as I fight falling asleep every time I sit still for any amount of time. So I wonder what to help Mom to do, so that she does not default to sleeping for want of a weightier project. I'm pondering solutions.

Holiday plans

Christmastime brings such excitement. And work. I'm happy to say that, for the first time in memory, I had my Christmas shopping done before December! It's interesting though--the time gets filled up with things to do anyhow. Is it that there is more to do than ever or do I create things to do that I didn't have time for before. Busy-ness, in my case, is often a curse, leaving me little time to relax and just think. Lately I've been thinking about thinking a lot.

One of my goals this Christmas was to do a pastel of the nativity, with my grandchildren in the picture. I worked on that for hours, as there were many faces to try and capture. I've learned that pastels are not very good for fine detail or small figures. But I finally completed the picture and made an additional one of the three kings (one of them a queen) to include all 19 of my babes. It is not my best artistic creation but is a nice sentiment and hope the grandchildren get a kick out of trying to find themselves in the drawings.

Winter has arrived in our sunny California spot. A week ago, our early morning sleep was interrupted by lights shining in our bedroom window. It was a little annoying! But as we looked outside, snowflakes filled our view! Our house was surrounded by snow! The grandchildren downstairs turned on all the outside lights and were playing in the snow. When dawn arrived it exposed snow covered hills and snow dust everywhere. It was magical! It has been cold and wintry every day since.

Our Mongolian daughter, Brynn, is here visiting. She is a lovely girl with a decidedly American point of view. I believe that she will stay in our country for good. It is such fun to have someone to philosophize with. She and I have explained the human world very clearly to one another and I believe we have just about everything figured out! At least we talked enough to have done so. I love having my chance at discussing ideas. Layne isn't too interested in such things so I have to take advantage of talking partners when they come my way.

I've decided that I am definitely a morning person. I want to get everything worth doing done by lunch. I have been a little frustrated at that effort with my mom here. She needs lots of help in the morning, especially on bathing days. So I hired one of our foster daughters, Michelle Montandon, to get Mom up in the mornings, until the end of the year. It has been great. Now I can attack the day with my agenda as early in the morning as I wish. It is a gift!

Mom seems to be losing a little ground. She resists things that take effort more often now. She seems weaker and less inclined to do things. I wonder if I should be exercising her more, and doing more with her. How do I fit everything in: Mom, hub, kids, grandkids, projects, house chores, errands, Church assignments, and on and on? So here's the deal: empty nests are not really empty at all. Does life ever open up into absolute leisure? I think not. As long as a body can move and think, there is something worthwhile to do. I guess I like it that way.

Pictures from top: pastel of the grandchildren in the nativity; snow in our back yard; Brynn with Layne, me and Mom; Michelle in her working mode.

Giving Thanks

I am trying to develop the habit of looking at life from a positive side. It usually isn't too hard for me as my life seems to be full of many good things. But I sometimes get a bit mired in the underside of things. We have a lovely view from our house on a hill. We are surrounded, from horizon to horizon, with sky. It is easy to see the cycle of the heavens from here. We see the storms move in; the stars at night are bright and distinct; a full moon lights up our little hill and floods our bedroom with a soft radiance. The hills surround our spot. They are a lovely mix of brown and green at the moment. In summary, our view of the world is beautiful. That is, it is beautiful when one looks beyond our own immediate yard. The area around our home is mostly clay soil with a few stubborn weeds that don't mind the harsh conditions of wind and clay. If I concentrate on that view it leads me in a darker direction. I am prone to complain of no lovely growing things and a rather depressing vision. Both views are a reality. But concentrating on the distant beauty surely does make me a lot happier. Besides, having no fussy plants to speak of makes playing in those places a worry-free experience. So I suppose I am trying to say that there are really two universes; one is filled with beauty and one is not. Why not choose the beauty?

This Thanksgiving was our year for family. Christmas will find our kids with the other side of the family. So everyone gathered at our house for Thanksgiving this past week, except for Gerald and his family in Taiwan. That makes 16 grandchildren all under one roof. Most of them stayed for two nights in addition to our holiday. It was a wild and crazy time. Anticipating all of those babes makes for some important preparation and quite a bit of clean-up after the party is over. But the joy of having everyone outweighs all the negatives. Jessica and her family came from Seattle; that was a treat. Of course with all those life forms running about at once there isn't much opportunity for individual bonding. But there is magic is watching the family interact. My mind feasts on that.

Mom told me that she has lately been thanking the Lord for her stroke. "Why?", I asked. She said that it has brought her family closer to her and so it is worth it to her. I suppose it is possible to be grateful for the struggles in life. I'm working on that idea. I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting today on gratitude. It reminds me that a daily counting of blessings puts me in a universe of optimism. We can pick our universe. I like being in a positive place.

Pictures: top is our Thanksgiving buffet with Ben's Jessica the most prominent disher. middle is part of our gang relaxing in the living room. Bottom picture is of our Jessica's hub Chris flying his model in the back yard with grandsons Isaiah and James watching.

The Thing about Goals

When I was a little girl I often planned what I thought would be perfect days. Sadly, most of those plans remained unfulfilled. It seems to me that many ideas and dreams are like that. At least it is so for me. I have a list of things I want to accomplish. I start most of them but finish few of them. But I must announce that I have finished my mother's autobiography! It gives me such joy to say that I have finished something I have dreamed of doing for so long. Her book sits beside me at this moment as a tribute to one goal met.

I've accomplished another small goal as well. I've decided that I will hang my own art upon the few places our home walls offer. I finished one of the drawings I want to hang. It is of sunflowers. After making 4 drawings of sunflowers I believe I'm finished with them. I also want to try my hand at creating a nativity picture with my grandchildren as the models in the picture. I took some pictures of them with candlelight reflected on their faces. We'll see if I can come up with what is in my mind to do.

Our friend Elaine is back home in Colorado. She has generously offered to send me the items of Mom's that I forgot to pack. It seems that there is always a rescue for my mishaps. I'm grateful for that. Mom is recovered from our trip here, I believe. She has been alert and perky for the past few days. There are things I'd like to do for her to make her life better but the days pass and I don't do them. So I sat down with her and we made a plan for exercising every part of her, from body to mind. With a list in hand I am hoping that I can grab hold of the time we have together and make it work for us. Time. It seems to be a gift or a curse. I aim to learn how to use it to make more of my goals become reality. Here's to making time a gift.

Bottom picture is of grandsons Timothy, William and Vincent posing for me by candlelight.

She's Back

Our last two and a half weeks without Mom went by fast. Layne and I flew into Denver on Thursday morning. We landed in the middle of a snow storm! October, and snow everywhere. We admired it for awhile (well...I did; Layne doesn't care much for snow), until we discovered that the flight we hoped for into Grand Junction was canceled. Not only that flight but all following through the afternoon. We didn't have a chance of getting into Grand Junction that day.

So I talked Layne into renting a car and driving from Denver to Cedaredge. He was exhausted from several nights with little sleep so he was very easy to influence. We rented a four wheel drive SUV and headed out. We drove through the Rockies and on into Grand Junction and then Cedaredge. It took us about 5 hours. I loved the drive! Everywhere we looked it was beautiful. I believe I have done that drive before, when very young, but it felt like a new thing for me this time. Of course I was the passenger and thus able to take in the sights with my full attention. God has truly blessed this land.

We arrived at Mom's house just after dark to find all well there, thanks to our friends the Palmers. Sister Maryanne left earlier in the day for home and the Palmers were staying with Mom until our arrival. It was all very rushed, but still pleasant. It was cold in Colorado! Winter had definitely arrived there. The next morning, Friday, we hurriedly packed up Mom's stuff, filling her car to the brim, and took off. Layne drove the rental care to the Grand Junction airport while I loaded Mom and picked up our friend, Elaine Conlan, who was coming with us for a visit to California. We picked up Layne at the airport and our drive to California began.

We drove 9 hours our first day. We made lots of potty stops but Mom held herself in check until we reached our motel in Elko, Nevada. What a woman. I couldn't have done that under any circumstances. But she repeated her performance the next day. We arrived home by 6 PM on Halloween. It was still light! It was a fun trip, full of all sorts of conversation, thanks to Elaine, a cute, red-headed talker. As we moved along I could not help but think of how difficult such a trip was a few generations ago. I'm so thankful to be able to move through space in sweet comfort, with all sorts of snacks and good company. Life is so sweet.